exhaustion – extreme tiredness; the condition of being used up
i hold a lot of things in, especially things that are important to me. i used to genuinely live life trying to make everyone around me happy to hide from my own unhappiness. i let go of that and now i find struggle in going back to an old habit when dealing with my mother.
in the past i have shared my trials and tribulations on dealing with my mother and the continuous battle i have tried to build with her throughout the years. this time around its a bit different and maybe even a bit more difficult. her husband passed away about a month and a half ago, they were in the process of moving into a new house so when he passed she didn’t have a home. i took her in with me and we have been forced to deal with our “relationship” head first. i realize now that we both never really put effort in the past, because it was always a week here a week there or long periods of distance due to our differences. this time, oh this time, there is no choice but to really face all the past and present issues that brought us to where we are today. i’ve cried on shoulders, on the phone, with friends, family and my lover. listened to all kinds of advice to my own thoughts and still i have absolutely no resolution. what is it that i want so bad inside as a person that keeps me focused on this utter pain and non acceptance that i give myself and receive from her? its a question i have yet to find the answer to.
we can blame tradition…my mom is korean, we can blame religion…hard core christian, and we can blame ignorance. but the problem i face is that i don’t want to blame, i don’t want to make excuses anymore to why someone feels a certain way or not, i just want to be accepted for who i am and i need to learn how to accept her for the woman she is. i have come to an absolute mental exhaustion with everything in my life dealing with her this past month. i can’t even find where my effort comes from, i can’t understand what it is i’m looking for, i don’t even know if i want to find it. i decided to be honest with her about everything in my life in all aspect especially with my feelings, but its like it doesn’t matter.
i know this, she is my mother and regardless of the life she lives she brought me into this world and raised me for a long time alone while my father traveled for work. i thank her for that and respect her for doing what she could do at the time. i have forgiven her for the part where she was absent from my life and i am continually trying to embrace her into my present life. our main obstacle is the fact that i am a lesbian. she hurts me when she tells me i’m not “normal” or that i’m “over qualified” to be a lesbian and that she would rather die then to see me with a woman. how do you take that in from your own mother? i want to hear your stories, your struggles, and your path to happiness.